Real Life

ANXIETY

*WARNING: REAL rawness ahead...proceed with compassion…

So, as you can or can’t imagine, living 32 years with a chronic, debilitating disease does not come easily. Haha I joke, but this is serious.

Ever since being on Orkambi from Oct ‘16 to September ‘18, paired with my severe hearing loss from a prolonged time on a certain class of antibiotics, I have struggled HARD with anxiety and depression. While on Orkambi, I became a completely different person- and not a fun one. I hated being in groups or large crowds of people, I hated initiating conversation with people I knew WELL-part of it was severe anxiety and the other part was, I couldn't freaking hear! I felt stupid saying WHAT all the time and even when I did, most just would repeat what they said EXACTLY the same way they said it the first time, added with a smile or alittle chuckle. Now, if I wouldnt have had severe anxiety along with hearing loss, it probably woulnt have bothered me much, but I would feel so stupid and ANGRY when people would kind of laugh or joke about it. I mean, come on, I cannot actually help my hearing loss and here you are making a joke! Thanks, now let me go crawl in a hole and cry. It was awful!! And on top of everything, my anxiety was SO high, I started pulling out my hair. Those were honestly the worst 2 years of my life. 

Since finally taking myself OFF Orkambi in September ‘18, my anxiety and depression have very much improved. Depression is all but gone and while my anxiety still lingers here and there, it is nowhere near as bad as it was. I also wanted to add, I TRIED medication and counseling, and while the medication route was a bust, the few therapy sessions I went to were very helpful. 

Anxiety can be such a lonely and vulnerable place to be in. You think so lowly of yourself and it doesn't help when Satan is taking a hold and just spewing lies about yourself into your head. 

“You’re so dumb, you cant even hear”
“You’ll never have much worth bc you dont have kids”
“You don't have a job, what are you even doing with your life”
“No one cares what you go through, they have their own lives to deal with” 
….and ON and ON and ON….

But God, oh my God, He cares. He hears me and sees my pain and gives me the strength daily to stand up to Satan, and say NOT TODAY SATAN! NOT today...You are completely WRONG!!!

I AM A DAUGHTER OF THE KING...I am beautiful, I am funny, I am a wonderful wife, daughter, sister, aunt….EMBRACE IT!!!

I’m not trying to be like, oh poor missy, etc. I promised I would be real, raw and honest and I plan to keep my word. Just keepin’ it real!!

KEEP ON KEEPING ON...